5. Connection/ Community

More Poems, 2/8/2019

Ouch

Sometimes i feel like a sack of nothingness

Like i am too tired and heartbroken to know who i am as a person

Or maybe that is who i am as a person

And i just don’t want to know

 

Last week i thought, maybe i’m dead already

And this is Hell

I found that thought very comforting

Or maybe it just let me detach

From the hardness

For a moment

 

I’m not writing this poem to comfort you

So i’ll end here

And just say

Ouch

I hurt

Miserable

There’s a place inside me that hurts a lot

There has been

Since i was ten, i guess

That’s the first i can remember

Of this

Overwhelming misery

Amidst

The mirage

Of cheer

 

That girl

She wanted something

And then that something was

Miserable

But supposed to be

Joyful

So she thought she was wrong

Always wrong

To be so unhappy

Instead of being wrongly unhappy

She tried to be happy instead

Never

Ever

Succeeding

 

What was really successful

was

Bifurcation.

She got really good

At seeming happy

And joyful

And caring and loving and giving

And all these wonderful things

Things she really wanted to be

 

And

Always

She was in pain

A part of her in misery

And shame

 

Not to brag, but

Even then she knew

Part of that misery

Was

Sexism and capitalism

Maybe she didn’t have those words but

She knew but

She could not escape but

She wanted to fight and

That’s good

Still miserable

But better

 

Miserabetter

Wrong

The thing is

This girl

This miserable girl

She’s not so nice, tbh

She’s mean

People tell her she’s mean

People get their feelings hurt

If she’s honest

If she’s sad

If she’s cranky

If she’s trying to get attention

Get seen

People don’t like her

She does it wrong

And then she doesn’t get seen

Doesn’t get taken care of

And then she’s sad again

Even more

She just

Doesn’t

Know

What

To

Do.

 

So she goes away again.

She figures

She is the problem

So she hides

Under

The cheer

The kindness, the generosity, the warmth

The things that work better

To get attention

To get validation

To get comfort.

 

She doesn’t want to get in the way of that

That comfort

That’s a good thing

She wants to reach for it

She wants to ask for it

How

How, that’s her question

How?

 

Published by Mimi Arbeit

Mimi Arbeit

sexuality educator, developmental scientist, feminist.

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