8. Sex Ed... Sexual Violence Prevention... and Gender Justice

Tips for men confused/overwhelmed by #MeToo and #TimesUp

You have a role in this work. You have a responsibility to yourself and to people you care about. You are needed.

  1. Start journaling. Seriously, you’re going to need a resilience practice, and you’re going to need some space to get to know your own feelings. At least 10 minutes daily.
  2. Follow some feminists. Read what they write and share. Make sure it’s not a fake feminist, like a rape apologist or a TERF. Choose women of color. Wagatwe Wanjuki and Ijeoma Oluo and Lourdes Hunter and obviously Tarana Burke, for example.
  3. Tell women that you’re working on it. Not for cookies, but as an FYI. And I don’t mean women in general. I mean some specific women in your life whom you care about. Say to them, this is really impacting me, and I’m committed to learning more. I want you to know that I care about you and I care about doing better.
  4. Support survivors. Queer survivors, trans survivors, male survivors, women and anyone who has been targeted by sexual violence. If you are confident and humble in your ability to not be an asshole, you can possibly be helpful. Maybe you can make yourself available to listen. Maybe you can help with just some of the labor of life. Put some food in someone’s freezer.
  5. ORGANIZE. Connect with other men to build towards shared goals. I want white men especially to organize against white supremacist patriarchal violence. And. . . also I really don’t. I mean, I do. I’m just worried you’re going to mess it up. And you will. But maybe you have to. Please listen, when you do mess it up. And then try again. Please try again. Keep learning and keep trying.

I want you to be successful at this. I even want to help you be successful. All our lives depend on it.

1. Sex, Dating, & Relationships, 8. Sex Ed... Sexual Violence Prevention... and Gender Justice

Be Better to Me than Aziz was to Grace (A Script of What He Could Have Done)

I wrote a fan fiction spin-off of Grace’s story in Babe. I didn’t write it for Grace or for Aziz Ansari — I wrote it for all the people calling those events “normal,” and for all the people recalling their own stories, and for all the people who don’t know how he could have done any better. HE COULD HAVE DONE BETTER. And you can, too. Let’s just consider really specifically what “better” might have sounded like.

 

1.

G: Why, what nice countertops you have.

A: Want to hop up and take a seat?

G: (Laughs, slides up)

A: Mhmm, this is a good height for me to kiss you. Can I kiss you?

G: Mhmm… (they kiss)

A: How about these clothes, how about we…

G: Mhmm, not yet…

A: Ok.

 

2.

A: I’m going to grab a condom.

G: Whoa, let’s relax for a sec, let’s chill.

A: Oh, ok. Can I keep kissing you? Or, do you want to get down from the countertop?

G: (Slides her feet back to the floor.)

 

3.

A: (Pulls her hand towards his penis.)

G: (Pulls her hand away.)

A: I want you to touch me. I want to feel your hands on me.

G: (Looks uncomfortable, shakes her head.)

A: Oh, not if you don’t want to. (Puts his fingers in her mouth.) Do you want me to touch you?

G: (Shakes her head again, laughs a little nervously.)

A: Ok! Ok, I hear you. Can I keep kissing you?

 

4.

G: (Stops moving her hand, moves away from him.)

A: Are you okay? What do you want, what would feel good?

 

5.

A: Where do you want me to fuck you?

G: Next time.

A: Oh, you mean not tonight?

G: Yeah.

A: I hope for another night then. What do you want to do tonight? A glass of water, a glass of wine, watch a movie, get an uber?

 

6.

G: I don’t want to feel forced because then I’ll hate you, and I’d rather not hate you.

A: Oh, of course, it’s only fun if we’re both having fun. I don’t want to force you, and I don’t want you to feel forced. What would help? Do you want me to get you an uber? Do you want to sit with me on the couch?

G: I’ll come sit with you.

A: Can I do something to help? Rub your shoulders, turn on the TV?

G: Yes, please!

 

7.

A: (After the episode of Seinfeld finishes.) Thanks for staying and cuddling. Can I kiss you again? Or shall I get you an uber?

G: An uber, thanks.

A: Just tell them your name is…

 

8. Sex Ed... Sexual Violence Prevention... and Gender Justice

18 Things for Men to Say in ’18 — at the Golden Globes, or Anywhere

Not one male Golden Globe winner used a moment on camera to mention #MeToo or #TimesUp or sexual assault or men’s violence against women. So I put together a little list of simple, practical sentences that could slide out of men’s mouths at the next award ceremony… or anytime this year, really.

  1. I trust women.
  2. I believe women.
  3. I stand with survivors.
  4. I will hold perpetrators accountable.
  5. To end sexual violence we must end toxic masculinity.
  6. To end sexual violence we must acknowledge, address, and end white male violence.
  7. I am here to help men have better emotional lives, better friendships, better access to both emotional support and accountability.
  8. I am here to change myself as part of changing our culture.
  9. I withdraw my support for the ideals of toxic masculinity.
  10. I withdraw my support from men who perpetrate sexual violence. I will not be complicit.
  11. I will stop working with toxic violent men.
  12. I will stop working with rapists and abusers.
  13. I will stop producing media that glorifies toxic violent men.
  14. I will stop producing media that glorifies rapists and abusers.
  15. I will support media produced by women and queer people of color, with my money and with my social power.
  16. I will support media that challenges white male dominance, with my money and with my social power.
  17. I will make mistakes and accept critique.
  18. I will work hard to make change. Change in my personal life, change in my work life. Change in ways I can’t possibly imagine. I’m here for it.
4. Body, Movement, & Dance

“What do you do for fun?” (Seeking pleasure, finding joy)

The top highlights of my winter vacation stemmed from opportunities to witness changes that are bringing joy to the lives of people I love. A new romance, a new apartment, a new school, a new baby…

Their lives are also complicated. They too have been deeply affected by the dumpster fire year of 2017. They too were breathing in and breathing out and figuring out how to keep fighting for our lives in 2018. They too were dealing with loss and grief and stress and fear and rage.

And they have joy. They have access to that spark. And I got to see it, which made me genuinely happy.

At dinner with family friends one night over the break, I was talking about my research on sexual violence prevention and my involvement in community organizing against white supremacist fascism in Charlottesville.

“What you do to put your mind on something that’s not so heavy?” … asked a 30-something physician who had just been describing the bicycle-built-for-two that she and her fiancé ride around their California home.

My dad laughed sarcastically. “Aha,” he exclaimed. “That is the question.”

My mom visited me in June, just a few weeks after the May 13 Nazi flash-mob torch-rally downtown. “But what do you do for pleasure?” she kept asking. Apparently I never provided a satisfactory response.

Pleasure. Fun. Joy.

It wasn’t until tea with an activist co-conspirator on one of my last days in Boston that I was truly convinced of it all. First, as another dear co-conspirator pointed out to me, it’s just different to hear it from folks who are also structuring their lives around activism. The rhetoric of self-care can be so easily coopted to justify complacency. And I do not intend complacency.

More so, I just didn’t know how my brain would hold up upon return to Charlottesville. As a psychology researcher, I know that emotions are real things that are really happening in the brain and body. And not only do I need to give my brain a break, but I also need to give my body ways to build positive associations with this place that has been so structured by racist terrorism. Offering myself some positive associations will not and should not undo the grief, the rage, the reality. It will however help me live my life, and it will also make me more grounded as a community activist.

So, what brings me joy? The ocean, my friends, and dancing.

We are relatively landlocked here in Central Virginia, and when I connect with friends I want to have space to hold the heaviness of what we are all living through together. So I’m going to find a dance class. Starting with once a week, more often if I need to. I want a class that happens regularly that I can put into my schedule and plan around. Something for fun – I don’t want to be practicing towards a performance or anything with pressure. I just want to move and experiment and not take myself so seriously (for an hour).

For my body, for my brain, for myself, for my work. With hope.

What do you do for fun? What will bring you pleasure this year, how will you find joy?

5. Connection/ Community

Hopes and Dreams for 2018

  1. Cry in public, as needed.
  2. Write blog posts: about what’s happening in my life, and what’s happening in my community.
  3. Befriend my own anger.
  4. Turn more to sadness instead of anger in relation to a person I love who loves me.
  5. Turn more to anger instead of civility in relation to person who intends harm.
  6. Spend time each day cultivating awareness of my own healing processes.
  7. Learn to feel loved while saying no and setting boundaries.
  8. Learn to feel loved while saying yes and accepting help.
  9. Struggle. Fight. Love. Care. Connect. Defend our communities and build the much much much better world we all deserve to live in.
  10. Set goals, navigate priorities, and select strategies.
  11. Keep my apartment clean enough that I invite friends over for tea.
  12. Accept that the stakes are high and morale is low and this Year will continue to ask more from us than we maybe knew we had in us and that means we need to nurture vulnerability and honesty and care and attention and belonging in ways that many of us, myself included, never knew we had in us either.
Here I am. I am alive and loved and still in the struggle. Thank you for being it with me.
9. Racial Justice (Smash White Supremacy), Charlottesville

What you’re doing when you simply call it “Charlottesville”

Please don’t use “Charlottesville” as a stand-alone word to refer to the white supremacist terrorist attacks of August 11-12.

As in, “ever since Charlottesville,” or “when Charlottesville happened.”

1. You are using the name of an entire city as a euphemism when what you really mean is “THAT WEEKEND WE ALL WATCHED ACTUAL NAZIS ATTACK AND KILL PEOPLE.” Yeah. That weekend. Say what you mean. Say “the Nazi terrorist mob in Charlottesville” or “when Nazis attacked Charlottesville” or “the largest most violent white supremacist rally in a long time.”

2. When you refer to this terrorism simply by using the name of our city, you are telling yourself that it’s just about Charlottesville… but it’s not. It’s also about you. Most of the Nazis who attacked Charlottesville came from other cities, other states. Which ones live near you? Do you know? Do you know which Nazi groups are organizing in your city, in your state? Do you know which of your neighbors came here to attack my neighbors?

3. We’ve been fighting in Charlottesville on a regular basis since the first torch rally on May 13 and long before then too — there have been Nazis with guns and threats and direct confrontations and it still continues every week. When you say “Charlottesville” and really mean “August 11-12” what you are telling me is that you were paying attention when we were all up in the news coverage for a few days, and *you* had a strong reaction to that and got all up in your feelings (which you definitely should, yes, valid, terrifying, infuriating, yes, all those feelings) — AND THEN YOU MOVED ON AND WENT BACK TO NORMAL LIFE. What you’re telling me is that you stopped paying attention to the ongoing struggle in Charlottesville.

Don’t stop. Don’t stop paying attention. Pay attention to Charlottesville. Pay attention to your neighbors too. Even as you are paying attention to the US imperialist neglect of climate crisis damage in Puerto Rico and the St. Louis rebellion in response to police murders of Black people and the threat of a second major Nazi attack aiming for Charlotte, North Carolina. This is all interconnected. The fascist terror continues. The resistance continues, too. #Charlottesville continues.

Join us.

9. Racial Justice (Smash White Supremacy), Charlottesville

Dear Jews: This year, we fight Nazis. Here’s how.

This year, we fight Nazis.

We don’t do it because it’s fun. We don’t do it because it makes us money, or even builds our credentials. We don’t do it for networking.

We do it out of love, we do it because it is a moral imperative, and we do it for survival.

My beloved Jews, here is my love letter to you this New Year.

I am a White queer femme Jew in Charlottesville. Although many friends in Boston and NYC thought I had moved to Charlotte, North Carolina, by now I hope you’ve heard of Charlottesville. We’re in the mountains of Central Virginia, a small city of 50,000 people, founded by the racist rapist colonizer Thomas Jefferson, with the University of Virginia two miles from downtown.

The Nazis chose Charlottesville. There have been Nazis (with guns) in Charlottesville since long before I got here, harassing Black politicians and intimidating anti-racist protesters and also planning amongst themselves. The friendly liberal White folks who populate this space know who they are — will talk about them and roll their eyes and make fun of them — but it has taken persistent, daring, fierce leadership by anti-fascist and anarchist people of color (primarily women and femmes) to teach Charlottesville how to fight Nazis. Everything I share with you in this piece, I learned from them. Except for the Jewish parts — those I learned from you! And our powers combined, we can do this. I believe that we will win. But first, we have to fight.

Here’s how.

1. Trust Black and indigenous liberation leadership.

Find anti-fascist Black and indigenous people who have been doing the work from so many directions to address systems of colonization and anti-Blackness in this country. Believe them when they tell you what to do. Support them with everything you’ve got. One of the most serious mistakes I made this summer was falling into that Whiteness trap of Thinking I Know Best — assuming that I can talk to other White people to figure out what the hell is going on and what my role in all of it is. Here’s a great way to make sure you’re talking through things with and asking questions of and offering support to and really getting to know people who aren’t just White Jews: make Friends. That’s right, I capitalized Friends. People I eat with, drink with, dance with, call, text, visit, hug, appreciate, and ask many questions on a regular basis. It’s irreplaceable. Make friends with anti-fascists who have been confronting, disrupting, and undermining Nazis for years or even decades. You may also hear them called “antifa.” Everything I know from fighting Nazis this summer, I learned from local anti-fascist, anarchist, and anti-racist leadership. This includes Jews of color! There are Black Jews and Latinx Jews and other Jews who face very specific threats to existence and presence in this country. Trust them; build trust with them.

2. Center Black lives.

Jews should be fighting Nazis. And — at the same time — we White-presenting White-privileged Jews need to understand that we are fighting Nazis in the US within the very real context of centuries of anti-Black racism. I have been face to face with Nazis and yes I see the swastikas and I see the anti-semitic signs and I hear the taunts and I respect the fear of the synagogue in downtown Charlottesville — AND please believe me when I say that they are coming for Black people first. It is Black people who the Nazis are seeking out, Black neighborhoods that are being targeted, anti-Black terrorism that is being perpetrated. So. Jews need to be fighting Nazis in this moment. And. At the same time. If we are fighting Nazis expecting them to look like German anti-Semitic prototypes, we will be betraying ourselves and our comrades of color. We need to fight Nazis in the US within the context of US anti-Black racism. We need to be anti-fascist and anti-racist with every breath, with every step. Our anti-fascism must affirm that Black Lives Matter and must support the Movement for Black Lives.

3. No platform for White Supremacy.

Antifa refer to this tactic as “no platforming.” Remember that “freedom of speech” may restrict (somewhat) the actions of the government, but it does not restrict our actions as individuals. The goal of no platforming is to stop the spread of Nazi propaganda. I remember the Hebrew School lessons about how much the German Nazis used media — speeches, posters, propaganda — to fuel anti-Semitism and normalize the escalation of state violence. Do not allow Nazis to make speeches. Do not allow Nazis to have press conferences, radio interviews, and rallies. No dialogue with White Supremacy. No platform.

4. Know your Nazis.

No platforming does NOT mean hide your head in the sand and ignore them. Quite the opposite. We must know who they are. As Charlottesville organizershave already instructed: “Do the research to identify Nazis in your community. Find out who’s doing alt-right or white supremacist agitating, find out where they work, and learn as much as you can about their connections to politicians or police in your town. Use this information to block them from gaining social and political control.”

5. Love each other and protect each other.

After Richard Spencer’s first Charlottesville terrorist torch rally in May, local anarchist people of color hosted a community vigil and had us chant together Assata Shakur’s prayer: “It is our duty to fight. It is our duty to win. We must love each other and protect each other. We have nothing to lose but our chains.” Loving each other and protecting each other have been core values of the resistance in Charlottesville: community care and community defense. Do folks need food, groceries, a ride, housing? We have to pay attention to and prioritize the most marginalized among us. No one is too much; no one is disposable. These needs are valid. The need for protection is also valid. Community defense — physical defense — is part of this love. We must protect each other from the White Supremacist violence of Nazis and from state violence. Consider bringing a nonviolent direct action training to your community or congregation. And know that antifa saved lives through community defense in Charlottesville on August 12. Saved. Lives. We must protect each other; we must defend our communities.

6. Honor a diversity of tactics.

Again, individuals willing to get physically confrontational saved lives in Charlottesville. We must stop the Nazis. The use of physical confrontation caused some mainstream media outlets to proclaim a false equivalency, which we must refute and refuse. I want to learn more about the legacy of Jewish militia who fought Nazis — in Europe and in America. Charlottesville’s own Veronica Fitzhugh tells us to bring our best gifts to this struggle. Push yourself to find the strength you bring to this moment, and consider how you will know when you are ready to escalate, and what you will do when that time comes. In the meantime, respect and root for individuals who are willing to take risks that you are not yet ready to take.

7. Form local coalitions.

Jews should be fighting Nazis, but we do not need to be fighting Nazis alone. Coalition-building is really hard. Maybe folks from Solidarity Cville will write publicly one day about what we did and what we failed to do this summer… coalition conflict led to many hours of me crying on my couch alone… which is not necessarily the most strategic move, in retrospect. Other people were hurt much more than I was. Check out the St. Paul’s Principles of Unity. Make friends with each other. Always have food at meetings. Don’t assume you always need a meeting in order to get things done. Center Black lives. Honor the emotional labor of women and femmes. Mess up, be accountable, reconnect, and try again. We are in this together.

8. Demand organizational leadership.

We need courageous Jewish leadership to spearhead a Jewish response to the rising reality of Nazi violence and the threat of American fascism. I called six national Jewish organizations in July, begging for help fighting Nazis in Charlottesville. I got mixed responses; no one seemed to know whose responsibility it was to lead this work. Shout out to T’ruah and If Not Now for your statements of solidarity, and for showing up on August 12. We need many different forms of leadership in this moment. We also need the core Jewish movements themselves — looking at you, URJ and USCJ — to declare resistance to White Supremacy, paving the way for congregational rabbis to do the same. National leadership supports local leadership, and vice versa.

9. Mobilize rapid response.

Support communities facing crisis. When you’re called for help, take it seriously and figure out how to give it. Having better prepared national Jewish leadership will help with this — particularly by having one (or several) Jewish organizations committed to sending people, educational materials, and money to communities under attack. And by “communities” I mean not just Jewish communities — Black predominantly Christian communities, Muslim communities, and entire city communities like Charlottesville. The best way to help is to go there in personSend moneydeclare solidaritysignal boost. Build up the skills and resources within your congregation or, even better, within your local coalition so that you are ready to go when needed.

10. Refuse to normalize.

This. Is. Not. Normal. Never let it be normal. I am not trying to “get back to normal” after August 12. Also? Refuse to normalize White Supremacy in retrospect. Don’t romanticize the Obama era, when deportations and police brutality and mass incarceration continued to escalate. That all wasn’t normal either, and it was never okay. Don’t normalize fascism and don’t normalize racism, even the parts that have been here all along.

What does this have to do with the High Holidays?

I call on Jewish leadership — clergy and lay leaders — to apply the ten steps above to the traditions of Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and the Days of Awe. Use the High Holidays to prepare for a year of fighting Nazis.

Our resistance must start with repentance. Only through acknowledgement and accountability can we strive for reparations. With rituals such as tashlictand al chet, we can reflect on how we even got to this place, what our own complicity in White Supremacy has been, and how we have or have not been showing up for people whose bodies are on the line.

And then comes actual interpersonal apologies and accountability. This time, I need you all to get specific. Who have you harmed, through racism, sexism, or unjust criticism? Who have you turned away in their moment of need? We need each other. We must bind together even as we challenge each other to do way better. We need honest conversations that build closeness and community. We are in it together. Get involved.

Finally, to truly show up for each other and persist in resistance, we must embrace a sweet new year. Fighting Nazis makes me sick. I remember when I started feeling sick in May, after just a few weeks of shouting at Nazis in the streets. Physically ill and shaking and angry and scared. We are confronting rather than avoiding the grossness of the world. So seek out moments of sweetness, be all-out affectionate with your comrades and community members, and wish each other joy in whatever ways feel possible.

Because we must fight. We don’t fight for fun; we don’t fight for joy. We fight for love and freedom and liberation. We fight because we are Jews. Jews fight Nazis.

Front lines of the Charlottesville March for Community Defense Against All Fascism, June 3 2017.

Cross-posted on Jewschool, Jewish Boston, and Medium.

5. Connection/ Community

building power

Regret is only
guilt
for having more power now
than i did before

so hey, Regret, i see you
and i won’t get stuck
in the swamp of the Past
i will unstick my own power
and write
breathe sigh feel say act

I will use my power now
because if anything
i can only move forward
we can only
ask forgiveness
forgive
and act now

5. Connection/ Community, Charlottesville

The Risk of Not-Knowing

I’m at that point again where I’m exhausted, and I feel like I’m screaming for help but I’m probably not. And there are people I love who I am so much more worried about than I am about myself, and there are communities in peril and there is so much pressure to continue with business as usual and I can’t seem to continue with business as usual and I also can’t seem to fully figure out how to not. How to just not. I don’t know.

Today is the third anniversary of #concussion2014, and I marked it in my calendar to remind myself of this random, out-of-nowhere injury. What’s striking for me as I reflect this year is that I wasn’t even choosing to take a risk.

I spend a lot of my time talking about risk, the importance of choosing risk, and the ways in which we can negotiate risk. In sexual activity, in friendships, in activism. We have many opportunities to step into risk and to manage risks for ourselves and each other.

But I wasn’t taking any particular risks that day. I was simply pursuing pleasure – I was taking risks only insofar as daily life is risky. Or, in the way that daily life used to be risky. Until this year, as my life in 2017 laughs at my life in 2014. As I sit inside my apartment in Charlottesville still wondering about the risks of walking alone to the grocery store, still wondering about being recognized by white supremacists or confronted or followed home. But then, why hold myself back from the simple pleasures of life now, just because I am aware of the presence of risk right now, when even back in 2014 I incurred severe consequences for everyday activity without being prepared for risk at all?

I was just swimming in a pond. Not swimming alone. Not swimming at night. Not swimming under the influence. Just swimming. Then an unleashed dog jumped off the dock and landed on my head. Boom. Concussion. Two months medical leave.

Most of the other traumas I had incurred up to that point were in the context of something I already knew to be risky: being alone in a room with a heterosexual boy/man. I had made those choices. I was not to blame for what happened in those rooms, but I knew there were risks, just as I now know there are risks in walking alone in Charlottesville. Even if I feel strongly that neither risk is just – it is not just to live in a world in which I fear being alone in a room with a man who claims to love me, and it is not just to live in a world in which I fear being alone on the streets of a city who claims to care. But I know the injustice, and I know the risk, and I get to make choices within those contexts.

I don’t know. It just sucks. I think I’m writing about it now because I am trying to get myself to leave my apartment to go get groceries. Or I’m writing about it now because trauma triggers trauma, and my head hurts. Or because when I’m on edge and angry and ready to yell at people, I find myself wanting to yell at people who are in public places with their dogs off leash. Yelling at those people is quite socially unacceptable, particularly in Charlottesville. Even when directed at entitled white men. I really want to, though.

I don’t know. It just sucks. Maybe some things just suck.